Raving Violet: M'ama, Non-M'ama

???? M?ama, non m?ama.? Why do I know this phrase?? Because it is the stupid name
of a fancy schmancy Italian jewelry line, whose other line I covet. And what does it mean?? It sure sounds like the ?To be or not to be? of mothering, but in fact, ?m?ama non m?ama means ?she loves me, she loves me not.?? In Italian. ???? To be or not to be a mother.? That is the question.? ?I always assumed I would be a mother. ?I was married for a while in my late 20?s early 30?s and while I wanted a kid, not with the kid I was married to.? I kept waiting for him to grow up.? Didn?t happen.? He?s now fathered some other broad?s kid, but that?s her business.? He was baby enough for me.? ???? I bought baby clothes when I was married because I just knew I?d be having kids.? I hated that other, actually pregnant people got to buy stuff for their babies.? So, I wasn?t pregnant yet.? That would change. ?Frustrated, I put a onesie on my fat cat, Chrissie.? She sat there like a stuffed potato propped up on the couch, holding for the camera.? I now use flannel baby blankets to line my dog?s carrier.? ???? My collection of baby clothes grew as my marriage disintegrated.? Since the guests of honor were dear friends I chose to host both a bridal shower and a baby shower in my home as my relationship imploded.? This was profoundly difficult.? After my separation, I pulled away from the married folk I?d hung out with during my marriage.? It?s not so fun to be in a group of couples when you?re a single (and your ex was immediately re-coupled).? I dropped off the face of the earth and made new friends, or hung out with other disenfranchised folk who were single and non-mommied.? My mother felt the same damn thing when my dad died; she was brutally booted out of her marital social circle. This time, I outed myself.? ???? My parents had an ideal marriage in that not only did they love each other, but they liked and respected each other.? They were partners. ?Dad went to work every day, mom ran the home and took great care of my sister and I.? She saw to it that we got the best academic and arts education New York City had to offer.? Dad often told Mom that she should do more for herself, not just for us.? He was probably right.? After he died the same was true.? She focused on us, putting an incredible amount of pressure on me (I can?t speak for my sister).? ???? My heart went out to my mom, having to raise two kids by herself.? She neither remarried nor dated again.? ?No man can hold a candle to him,? she always said.? Even under the best of circumstances, you can?t guarantee there?ll be two parents around to follow through with raising your tiny humans. ?Both of mine ended up dead.? Happens. ?I had more time with Mom than Dad, and even with a nine year spread between me and my big sister (effectively making us both only children) my mom had a hell of a hard time being a single parent.? Parenting is challenging when you have two devoted parents and the luxury of two extended families.? I had neither. ?I never wanted to be a single parent.? And because Mom was 42 when she gave birth to me, I vowed to be a young mom. ??Not that there was anything wrong with my mom, except that she ended up dead.? There seemed to be some correlation between old and dead.? On the other hand, my father died in a non-age related accident at 47.? Life.? ???? Now I know my parents were great in part because they were older.? There?s much to recommend the more seasoned adult as a parent.? To generalize, they are calmer.? Wiser.? On the other hand, well, they?re just not as young.?? Can?t get around that one. ??But is young so great? ???? Having lost my dad at five I wanted to get married at 18 and start reproducing in my 20?s.? That couldn?t have been farther from my life?s actual trajectory than ice from the sun.? Having been foiled with a crappy first marriage, then saddled with extra helpings of? ?life lessons? as I toiled along my path with various and sundry ?dating experiments? the years marched by.? My childhood dream of a happy home, marriage and family life was drifting farther and farther away.? ???? I was frustrated.? Angry.? How do you fight your own karma?? Could I yell at god?? What good would that do?? I was off to a slow start as it was.? I such a late bloomer sexually that I even had a spirit guide actually tell me to get laid, and by any means necessary.?? It?s not often that the heavens open up and tell you to ?get busy?. ?I was a tough nut to crack.?? But here I am now. Cracked.? ???? When I tell people that I believe I will have kids naturally, some of them say, ?Well, what are you waiting for??? I reply calmly, ?The father of the children.?? ?You don?t need a man for that.?? ?Oh yes, I do.? ?A good marriage means more to me than having kids, but I?ve always trusted they would both ?just come.?? I?m in my forties now and neither is here.?? Forget the clock.? I?m only glad I didn?t know this is how things would pan out when I was younger.? Would have put me in a bad mood. ?? ???? My parents raised me a Theosophist and I am firmly entrenched in metaphysics, spirituality, reincarnation, karma, you name it, I?m on it.? Having lost my parents before the age of 22, I sought out psychic, channeled and mediumistic readings for spiritual guidance and to re-establish contact with my folks. ?If I didn?t, I would have no semblance of family life at all. ???? Back in the days when I was beyond massively-profoundly-depressed I received the most beautiful channeled readings from the spirit of Milarepa, a Tibetan poet and saint who meant nothing to me at the time.? He was only as good as the info he coughed up.? The info was solid gold (and poetic, to boot).? I still refer back to those readings as events continue to unfold decades later that he hinted at.? He knew me and my family inside and out.? The person who ?hosted? Milarepa did not know me, so you can?t pin a conspiracy on the accuracy.? Now I know Milarepa was a way cool Tibetan poet and saint (the facts remain the same, only now, I care).? ???? My almost dead grandmother came through the ethers in one of my readings (sort of like making a call from the airport while you?re waiting for your flight).? She told me to ?Stay put!? ?Milarepa warned me that I had a strong death wish and that I was passively suicidal.? This depressed me even more than I was already depressed.? It was true, though I hadn?t seen it.? I just thought I was gloomy, unmotivated, and fucked. ?Nana promised me that I would be a mother some day. ?Big frickin? deal.? I was 23, single, and the most important person in my life, my mother, had died a year prior, the day before Mother?s Day (digging the knife in just a little deeper).? My father died near Father?s day.? They knew how to go out with a bang. ?? ???? I couldn?t care less about being a parent at that time and certainly didn?t need reassurance.? Eons later I?m tapping my fingers and wondering when, exactly, this dog and pony show is gonna get going.? Now I know why Nana promised. ?Bitch owes me a baby. ????? I envied my married-with-kids friends.? I perceived them as ?normal?, having security, warmth and company. ?It never occurred to me that some of my friends might have been jealous of me (either consciously or unconsciously) over the years because I am unencumbered, untethered, foot loose and fancy free.? My time is my own, to write, tap dance, play with my pets, read a book, write a book, drink, listen to loud music and nap.? When I have the occasional cigarette I sit in my stairwell and blow smoke at the ?No Smoking? sign.? I am a free agent.? ???? Years ago I got a mysterious letter in the mail.? It was from Massachusetts.? I didn?t know anyone from the town and was perplexed.? ?Who the hell lives there?? What is this??? ?I tried to fathom the secret to this mystery, scrutinizing the handwriting, the date stamp, the address.?? When I turned the letter over I exclaimed, ?Oh, for fuck?s sake.?? Hand printed on the back it said, ?The mother to be is registered at Buy Buy Baby.?? ?Goddamit!?? I said out loud, at work, ?this is not an invitation, THIS IS A BILL!??? I didn?t even know who was pregnant and I had to buy her a present??? The mother to be turned out to be one of the cadre of friends from my married days that I was no longer in touch with.? She met her husband in my living room.? ?They had a big beautiful wedding.? Somewhere. ?After my divorce. ?I didn?t go. ???? I had spoken to this gal at Christmas; she had invited me (and my ex, thanks a lot) to their Christmas party.? I did not attend, for obvious reasons, but she had ample opportunity to tell me about her five months pregnancy at that time.? She refrained.? I was outraged at being informed of her pregnancy by a stranger from Massachusetts.? If I?m not a close enough friend to tell me that you?re pregnant, then why are you inviting me to your shower? ?I let her know how hurt I was and asked her why she didn?t tell me at Christmas.? She said, ?I didn?t want to hurt your feelings.?? First of all, she?s assuming it would have hurt my feelings.? Second, she?s inviting me to the frickin? baby shower.? At what point is it less ?painful? for me to know about her impending motherhood, when they invite me for dinner?? ?Oh, by the way, can you pick up wine and?some?diapers??
???? I did not attend the shower and I did not send a gift.? I did visit the couple and their kid when he was around a year old.? Mom was wary about who and what I was, the lurking divorc?e with a low social profile.? Would I hate her kid?? Would her kid hate me? I was relaxed and didn?t pounce, so he came to me.? We got along great.? The mother said, ?I can?t believe how good you are with him.?? Shocking, I know, that someone who has a few social skills might know how to apply them to a small person. ??Animals like me.? Kids like me.? Whether or not I like them is another matter.? It all depends on the upbringing.? ?When I meet a well-behaved dog, cat or child, the heavens open up and the angels sing. ?How many well-behaved adults do you know, for that matter? ???? I also find the mommy (I?m sorry, the nanny) culture fairly nauseating in this city (Nueva York). ??Nannies nannies nannies and nary a mommy in sight.? Often mommy is clad in Prada, jewels, and fuck-me shoes to prove she?s still fuckable.? Jackie O. did it well and yet she was a class act.? She didn?t walk around trying to catch the attention of film crews, in fact, as we well know, her behavior was in direct opposition to that cause.? ?Everyone is so busy trying to ?look good? and ?do it all.?? I wonder if they do anything well.? Do they spend time with their kid?? I witness infants staring at iPhones, the new de facto babysitter at restaurants.? I observe grandparents with their spawn?s spawn on the bus.? The kid stares at video games and Grandma stares straight ahead.? Does anyone talk to each other?? Folk don?t even know how to maintain eye contact. ???? Parenting is undeniably hard work.? The only way I will consider it is if I am with a fit partner, by which I mean someone who takes incredibly good care of me.? Having been the ?nice one? in all my relationships, I look forward to the day when I can reliably and happily count on a man?s love and loyalty.? My father was one of those men, true blue, loving, gentle, sweet and strong.? I?ve never heard a bad thing about him from anyone.? The only crappy thing he ever did was die when I was five.? I can?t even hold that against him.? He was special.? Special men may be rare, but I only need one more. ???? I always promised myself when I had kids there would be no ?Barney? in my home, and that I would blast Prodigy on the sound system.? I?m not giving in to baby crap.? The fact that my home is filled with dog and cat toys is a totally separate issue.? ?In my parent?s day the home was not filled with toys.? The home was filled with grownups and grownup stuff.? If you had a toy, it was in your room, and it stayed there.? My cat and dog do not have their own room. ??They also don?t have hands.? ???? If I were to talk about my frustration at not having kids I would also have to include my frustration at not having a mate, something I never thought I wouldn?t have.? I believe he?s out there but I cannot make him simply ?materialize?, can I?? ?Pour reconstituted husband in jar, add wine, swirl and sip.?? I?ve done online dating (blcch) and all I can say is that I am intermittently a slut and a nun.? I?m in a nun phase right now.? ???? I?d like to prove them wrong, all the naysayers that say ?you have to do this? (go online to meet someone) and ?you can?t do that? (have a baby naturally after 50).? I say I can and I will.? First of all, it ain?t over till it?s over.? I?ve survived so well and so long that some of my friends are now getting divorced (this includes the ?buy buy baby? couple).? ?I?m ahead of the game here.? My wounds are healed.? I don?t have kids (a dating complication to be sure).? Also, people do have babies later in life.? They always have.? They used to be called ?change of life babies?.? Just when you thought you were done reproducing, there you are reproducing.? I, in fact, was just such a surprise.? ?My parents had my sister when they were 33 and while they wanted more kids, none came.? They gave up hoping.?? Nine years later I appeared at the front door. ???? A friend?s mom was 44 at her birth, another friend got pregnant at 47 (and miscarried, thank god, her boyfriend was a Godzilla scale nightmare) my chiropractor?s patient gave birth at 48?.and Sarah from the bible, how old was she, 100, 200?? Don?t tell me it can?t happen.? ???? The fact of the matter is I don?t want kids.? I want a family.? And a family starts with a solid, loving and secure relationship with my partner.?? If I had to choose I?d pick a partner over a kid.? I want that relationship.? The one I?ve never had.? Oh, I?ve dabbled with some doozies over the decades.?? I don?t want to be too mean, so I?ll just say I got ?the experience I needed?.? ?But I want a partner, best friend, a guy I?m comfortable with and who?s relaxed with me. ?Someone I can build a life with.? With this person I would consider having a child. ?If it?s in the cards, as I believe it is, you better believe I?ll be writing about the immaculate conception and miraculous birth.?? I?m not interested in test tube babies, hormones, shots, and petri dish progeny.? I believe in making babies the good old-fashioned way, and if me and my mystery partner can?t make that work, then so be it.? I eat well, look young, exercise and am in great shape.? I also believe in miracles and acts of god, so what?s the problem? ???? Some years ago I was asked in a channeling session if I was being the kind of parent I wanted to be to myself.? I thought long and hard about that.? Our parents set patterns in motion but it is we who maintain and prolong them.?? How was I parenting myself?? My mother was fairly intense and critical.? She loved me to pieces but the stress of losing both her parents early and her husband, well, I sympathize, but she took it out on me.? I?ve learned over the years to be kinder and gentler to myself, more loving, patient and nurturing. ?For this mother?s day, I bought my self stuff that one typically buys one?s mother, a lovely plush robe and pretty slippers.? ???? I?ve mothered myself for years, nurturing the lonely child.? Now I honor my Mother Self.? I am a ?hole in one? and whole in one, both Madonna and Child. ???? The process of turning my life around has been long and arduous.? But I have results to show.? I?m fabulous now.? I?m happy, complete, and still want a mate, a new home, and maybe a kid or two.? Though at times I think about the amount of work involved in having a baby?and I?m plain grateful to have only me, my dog and cat to take care of.? ?It took an annoying husband to bring me to this level of appreciation of solitude and self.? My home is my castle and I bask in its peace.?? I like me.? There?s no better place to start. ??2012

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